Monday, June 30, 2014

Everybody Does

Before I begin, I must preface this post by saying that this is a vent post. Meaning, I am really just going to vent my feelings electronically. I can't promise that any of this will make sense, but hopefully I won't offend any one or maybe you can relate or empathize on some level.

Sometimes I feel that I'm not doing a good job as a mother and that I should be further along in the adjustment to parenting than I am, but I guess at some point, EVERYBODY DOES.

 I often feel guilty about working outside of the home and being away from my baby. Is what I'm doing for eight hours a day (more with traffic) really worth the time spent away from my child? But, I guess, EVERYBODY DOES.

 I feel like I am just "winging it," pretending that I have it all together when really I have no earthly idea what I'm doing, but I guess EVERYBODY DOES.

I look at myself in the mirror, at times, and think can I really love my new "mommy body?" Will I ever be able to wear a two-piece swim suit again? But, I guess EVERYBODY DOES.

 I feel awful about longing for days before the baby and "alone time" with my hubby. How could I feel like that? But, I guess EVERYBODY DOES.

I'm SO TIRED all the time, not just some of the time, all the time. I feel like I'm in a daze and the world is just happening around me. But, I guess EVERYBODY DOES.

Am I crazy because I check the video baby monitor quite frequently to see if my baby is still breathing? I don't know but, I can guess that EVERYBODY DOES.

It really saddens me to think that there are some things that my son is going to have to sacrifice because of mistakes that I made in the past. I really wish I knew back then what I know now and how my actions would effect my future family. But, I guess EVERYBODY DOES.

Time seems to move faster than the speed of light. Are we sure that there really are 24 hours in a day? Because I swear I don't have nearly enough hours.  I spend most of my time loading and unloading all the "stuff" in my car. But I guess, EVERYBODY DOES.

I look into my son's eyes and it never fails, I am always brought to tears. Will there ever be a time that I look at him and I am not in awe? I cannot believe that God has entrusted me to mother such an amazing creation. I feel so unworthy. But, I guess EVERYBODY DOES.

In my mind MY child is the most beautiful baby I've ever seen. I could literally stare at him ALL day and I wouldn't get tired of it or feel bad about it. I feel that staring at him is my favorite pastime. But, I guess EVERYBODY DOES.

Confession: I pretend to care or take into account unsolicited advice. I'm sorry (not sorry), but it's called unsolicited for a reason...WE DON'T WANT IT! Yeah, I said it. I mean it, and I think EVERYBODY DOES.

On behalf of new mothers everywhere, thanks for listening. I just needed to get that out. WOO-SAH! Now, that's better.

Monday, June 9, 2014

...and Baby Makes Three

I always thought it was a smart decision to wait a while, after getting married, before having kids. I still believe that. My husband and I had been married for 5 years before I got pregnant. This gave us plenty of time to iron out the kinks in our relationship, get to know each other more, take trips, try to understand our finances, etc. etc. I truly loved the time that we spent together, just the two of us. I will always treasure that time before EJ (B4EJ).

Now that we have a little one, let's just say that our quality time is extremely limited. Don't get me wrong, we still spend time together, now it just consists of making bottles, feeding the baby, bathing the baby, playing with the baby, changing the baby (diapers and clothing), talking to the get the idea. Have we had alone time since the baby? Yes. I can count on three fingers how many times we have been out together, alone, without EJ in tow. I don't want you to get the wrong idea. I absolutely adore my son and I love spending time with him. It's one of my favorite things in the world. It's just at times, I would love to have a glimpse of my old life back, just for a moment.

My husband and I are fortunate in that we live very close to family and have wonderful friends who are more than willing to care for our son. This makes spending that "alone" time that much easier. However, as I experienced this past weekend, sometimes even when you do have alone time, the baby ends up there with you anyway. Let me explain.

Last Saturday, June 7th was my husband and I's 6th wedding anniversary. We knew we weren't going to be able to celebrate how we normally do, by taking a trip or a fun excursion, so we decided on dinner and a movie. This is a rare treat and it would be our first movie together since EJ was born. We had some wonderful friends agree to babysit for us. They did not live very far from the restaurant and movie theater we were going to, so we were able to drop him off at their home on our way out for our anniversary date.

We decided to have dinner first. Hold on, I must mention that the evening got off to a pretty rocky start for me when I was trying to figure out what to wear. Although, it's been almost 3 months since I gave birth, virtually NONE of my clothes fit. In an effort to make sure that I get back into shape and lose the weight, I have not bought any clothes in a bigger size. While this sounds like a good strategy, it does not make it easy when trying to dress for a "hot date." So after about 30 minutes of sitting on my closet floor and sulking I found something to put on. It was not the ideal outfit for an anniversary date, but it fit.

When we arrived at the restaurant, I was hoping for a quiet booth where just the two of us could connect and not think about the baby. However, the hostess escorted us to the center of the restaurant to a table surrounded by families with, you guessed it BABIES!!! All I could do was think about EJ. I wanted to check my phone so bad and text the couple that was sitting for EJ, but I remembered my husband and I had made a pact before our date that we would not bring our phones with us to dinner. I was a wreck. I tried not to get too distracted by the babies and enjoy my husband's company. I was able to do that and it was made that much easier with the glass of wine that I had with dinner. Soon I found myself feeling that familiar feeling that I had on many, many other dates with the man that I love.

We left dinner and headed to the movies. I was very excited about the movie. It was a high energy, action movie that both of us really wanted to see. I bypassed the concession stand when we got there, remembering my meltdown earlier about my clothes not fitting, and headed into the theater. The movie got off to a great start. We were both really enjoying it. Then it happened. I felt it. The feeling of sleepiness coming over me. Man, that glass of wine really did me in. I thought I could fight it. Surely, an 8:00pm movie isn't too late for me. I tried to hang on. I nodded off a few times and after hard fought battle, I decided to give in. I fell asleep, and had a nice nap at that. No interruptions from a crying baby, perfect temperature and comfy seat. Perfect combination for a wonderful sleep. At least my husband enjoyed the movie.

It will take time to adjust to my "new normal" and just when I've adjusted, I know something else will be thrown into the mix. But, with all of that being said, I wouldn't trade being a mommy for anything in the world, even if it means that I sometimes fall asleep on dates!